im so ready for spring break............

today = worst day ever.
seriously.
i just feel like crawling into bed and not leaving for the next three days.

im so overwhelmed.
a lot of this has to seem incredibly trivial and unimportant, but.
ive HAVE to bring my grades up this 9 weeks.
i have a feeling that my grandpa wont be around much longer. i know thats awfully pessimistic thinking. and i hate that im thinking that way. but his heart is failing him, hes on kidney dialysis, and hes 75. i dont like thinking that he's going to die. i love him too much for that to happen, but the thought wont leave my mind.
dad called me the other day, hammered out of his mind. my fear has been realized. ive had the feeling that he'd been drinking, i really have. but ive been giving him the benefit of the doubt for so long, ive become oblivious to his behavior. i know i threatened to cut him off, but i cant. hes my dad. i love him too much, there are days when hes the only one i can talk to, the only one who gets what im going through. i need him. i cant cut him off. i just cant. =[
i have to get graduation announcement sent out.
i have to plan my grad party.
i have to worry about school still.
i have yet to recieve my purdue letter, and as each day passes, i get more and more convinced im not going to be accepted. i couldnt handle that. i dont want to go to IU. i dont.

i seriously think i need to switch majors. i need something not science related.
as much as i love it, and as much as i know i'll enjoy a career out of it, chem ap has robbed me of my confidence in the subject. i feel like a failure. i feel like the dumbest person tippey has ever had the displeasure to teach.
today, we had to take a lab quiz.
yesterday, i knew exactly how to do it.
today, when i was handed the quiz. i froze. i went blank. i forgot everything.
i didnt write a single thing down.
theres just a bunch of scribbles. i tried. i really did.
but as i said, im a failure.
after i turned in my answerless paper..
i had a full blown panic attack.
i was hyperventilating.
i was crying.
i was being a total spaz.
jo noticed this.
she did her best to console me, didnt work.
im pretty sure everyone noticed and now thinks of me as a failure as well.
i hate feeling this way.
i hate my low self esteem.
i hate my inability to do simple stuff.
i hate my inability to be smart.

i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.

3-D art.
i hate mr. gunyon.
he called my idea elementary, something a five year old would do.
i wanted to do this batique [probably misspelled] thing, i wanted it to be my name in ransom letters, with a bunch of little designs that describe me. this was going to go in my dorm. [i figure it'd be amazing, and a good use of cinder block wall coverage]
but no.
gunyon told me that it wouldnt be aesthetically pleasing.
no, not to him, because its not done by the book, and god forbid anyone go against his ancient art texts.
that just peeved me.
he told me that if i did my idea, to not expect a decent grade on it.
i said, screw you you close minded idiot.
im doing my idea.
its going to look amazing.
im going to love it.
and if he gives me a bad grade, he'll hear from my mommy. xD

chem 2.
screwed up the lab.
i have to start over.
i feel incompetent.
i feel unable.
yet again,
i feel like failure.
its not a huge deal, i just hate the fact that i screwed up over something stupid.

i get home,
no purdue letter.
im getting really pissed at them.
like, really pissed.
now im just sitting here, so incredibly frustrated with everything.
im so ready to just quit.
i cant handle all this.
im going to lose it.
[as if three panic attacks over the same class in two weeks isnt losing it enough as is...]

ugh.
sorry for this post.

i have to go do dishes now.
>>dani