i feel i need to type this.

i've had a bad day.
im far more insecure than i let on.

*note* what im about to say (well..type) is not me asking for any sort of pity. i hate pity. i just need to say it.

i ran in public today.
yeah, that took a lot. and i dont mean it took a lot of energy, i put a lot of thought into it.
gym, we had to run the mile today.
henderson gave me the option of running or walking, i decided to run it.
that was a bad idea.
i could run 2 out of 10 laps, by then i was so out of breath, i got dizzy and started tasting blood in my mouth. (not so sure that blood thing was supposed to happen)
so after that i walked it.
and as i was was walking, this was the one and only thought racing through my mind:

"once, just once, i want to be like everyone else. why can't i just be like everyone around me?"

im not gonna lie, there were a few tears.

i know that i say that walking the way that i do doesnt bother me, and on most days it doesnt.
but then there are days like these and i just wish i was someone else. someone normal. someone different.

im partially to blame in all this i guess, after my last surgery i was told to go to physical therapy, and i did. but then for some reason mom stopped scheduling appointments and i never bothered to force her to make them. i couldve been normal. i couldve been different, but i didnt care at the time. and im paying for it now. this is one of those things that i really wish i couldve done differently. everyone told me this was going to happen, but im to damn naive, and thought that the crip would fix itself.

the scary part in all this is, i think the tendon in my heel is reverting back to how it used to be, i catch myself standing like i used to a lot more now.
i have to stop that from happening.
i cant go back to that.

i dont know, i guess im writing this as sort of a way to make myself realize that deep down all i want is to be able to walk down the halls and not have someone stare at me. im tired of the looks. im tired of the snickers and remarks that i hear. i try to let it roll off of me, i really do, i cant anymore. im tired of pretending that im ok with this, because im really not.

im not saying that you have to be afraid to make mention to it every so often, but for anyone that reads this that has a nickname for me that is associated with the crip, im asking you now to please stop. (minus sean, cripply is ok..theres a different story behind that..).

ok. im done rambling for now.
ily.
>>dani