Monday, December 31, 2007

may i have your attention please..

so its new years eve, and i want to say this:

its time for us to let go of all the shit we've been through this year. remember only the good things that happened. no more dwelling over things we can't fix. no more wondering about the what if's of days gone by.

ok. now that thats done...

2007 was a year i will never forget, for both good things and bad. i've had some pretty amazing times, and i've had to deal with things i wouldn't wish on anyone, but you know what, i got through it. (with the help of others of course).

speaking of which, now comes time for the shout outs.

Allie-- greatest friend ever. we've hung out a lot this year. its been really fun. hanging out with you is always interesting, to say the least. i know you've always got my back. i love you best friend =P

Samantha-- even though i know you'll probably never read this, i have to say somethings about you. we've kind of drifted this year, due to our lack of conversation. but you know what, that doesn't matter, you're still my best friend, my family. you've had your fair share of regrets this year, and you know that no matter what you do in life, i will always be here to catch you when you fall. i love you more than myself sam. you're the greatest!

Bobby-Jack-- you are quite possibly one of the only guys i completely trust in this world. take pride in that. (but not too much... =P) you and i didn't really start talking until this year, and i'm glad for that. you've helped me through a lot, and i dont think you know how much i truly appreciate it. you're a great person, and an even better friend.

Bethany-- without you, i'd be one photoless individual. we always have fun together, case and point, soaping the fountain. good times, good times. i love you, you're amazing!

MY ENTIRE FAMILY-- you guys are my backbone. without you i would fall apart. you keep me in line with what i need to do with my life, and for that i thank you. i love you guys more than you could ever know!

and this goes out to anyone not listed, youre amazing! my life wouldnt be the same without you.

now comes the time for me to say something cheesy in reference to the new year, but know what, no. im not going to.

i will say this though, 2008 better kick ass!
i love you all! <3

ps. im blasting this around for her. anyone that knows carrie, she just called and told me she got her acceptance letter from IPFW. yay carrie!

Monday, December 17, 2007

so this morning was interesting.
it was announced last night that there would be a two hour delay today.
so, i was sleeping in.
at about 6 ish, i was drifting in and out of sleep.
the phone rings. i ignore it.
6:30 the phone rings again. this call also gets ignored.
turns out the first call was from bobby-jack.
he was under the impression that the delay had been canceled.
so he calls allie, who also calls me (the second call).
they were wrong. well, bobby-jack was wrong.
its ok though.
hes a brave soul. calling my house that early. i wouldve shot him if i'd been woken up.

seriously though. it was nice of him to try and inform me.
if the delay had been canceled, i wouldve been late for school.

they canceled school today.
its nice.
my chem ap test and organic chem test have been moved.

last night.
it was odd for me.
i had been in this bad/awkward mood all day long.
it inspired a blog of apologies.
it didnt make sense to me why i had done it.

let me say this. my friends are amazing.
they helped me a lot.

i love you guys.


oo. im going to the mall with carrie in a few! wee! ily!

Sunday, December 16, 2007


Once in a While--Dishwalla


When you close your eyes do you like what you see
Inside your mind?
Do you like to dream about the stars above
Once in a while

Don't go to the other side for nothing at all
Better make it worth your while
Gonna break down that wall, gonna take the fall
Don't go to the other side
You might mess up that hair
Just wait you might change your mind
To think that people really care about your hair anyway


Don't go to the other side
Just get down on your knees
Show me what you are made of
I'm begging you please, just please go away
Don't go to the other side


people may interpret this differently.
this song speaks to me.
it makes me feel a bit better.

read it.
listen to it.
relate to it.



I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for anything that I've done thats pissed you off.
I'm sorry for
not being everything you've wanted me to be.
I'm sorry i cant live up to the expectations everyone has of me.
I'm sorry for
being less than a friend to most of you.
I'm sorry for panicking about the things that shouldn't be panicked over.

I'm sorry for pretending that the things you say don't bother me.
I'm sorry for my
inability to change you.
I'm sorry for trying.
I'm sorry for failing.
I'm sorry for acting.

I'm sorry for not showing you the real me.

I'm sorry for hiding.

I'm sorry for
my overbearingness.
I'm sorry for the stupid things i do.
I'm sorry for
not being able to save you.
I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me.
I'm sorry for being selfish.

I'm sorry for being annoying.

I'm sorry for this long list of apologies.

To put it simply, I'm sorry for everything.

I know anyone that reads this can relate to one of the things above.

I don't know the motive behind all this.
I woke up this morning in a less than amazing mood.

I just feel so
guilty about so much. So many of those things I cannot change.
It's those things that I want to change the most.

I've become something that I never wanted to be.
most of you wont know what that means, but it's true.
I feel like a hypocrite.
feel like I say one thing, and then do another.

I don't know whats wrong with me right now, I really don't.
writing about it isn't helping either.

to anyone that reads this: chances are, you mean a lot to me.
i thank you for everything that you've done for me.
love you.

Friday, November 23, 2007


heres everything thats going through my mind...and then some...

>>my less than amazing grades. =[

they suck. plain and simple. F in ap chem. D in ap bio. what the hell am i gonna do? if i bring those grades home, i'll get shot. not to mention that i KNOW that arjay will walk around saying that ive turned into sean. that'll go on for about a month. seriously. i am trying so damn hard, its not getting any better, but i
dont want to drop the classes. i cant. i'd never hear the end of it. not just from my parents, but from jo, kayla, stacey, and gabby. i mean, maybe not gabby, but the rest of them would never let it go. im already the *dumb one* in the group, that would make it worse. im conflicted.


for those of you who dont know her, she is my other half. well, my other other half. allie is too. but, sam and i have been through it all. i die without her. i miss her like crazy. she lives in northern michigan. i havent seen her in close to 4 years. shes changed. a lot. and not in positive ways either. we always used to say that smoking, drinking, drugs and all that other shit was pointless, which, i still firmly believe. her on the other hand, she doesnt think like that anymore. its almost like its what her life revolves around. we hardly talk anymore, and when we do shes telling me about how she ended her latest relationship and how she plans to drop out of school. im losing her. and im losing her fast. i cant handle that. i love her far too much. i want to help her so badly. but i cant. i know i cant. ugh.


this is actually a positive thought in my mind. im proud of him. im honestly PROUD of my father. i dont believe hes been seriously drunk in a while. by a while i mean, not that ive heard of/noticed. i understand that he may just be sober when i speak to him, but you know what, ignorance is bliss in this case. im happy. im leaving it at that.


im excited and terrified at the same time. getting out of here will be the greatest day of my life. i feel like im actually making something out of my life. =] on the other hand, i feel like ive waited too long to take the tests. im scheduled to take the ACT on the 8th. if i bomb, i dont have time to redo tests. i'd be fucked. im just praying that i dont have to deal with that.


i feel you need a mentioning. you make me giggle. its the highlight to some of my days.


i missed him last night, he came over after work last night. i was gone. it made me kinda sad. that bitch has my borat movie. and his phone is shut off so i cant call to harass him about it!

well. i think im done.
i love you all.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

To Write Love On Her Arms

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TWLOHA is a nonprofit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those suffering from depression, addictions, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also invest directly into treatment and recovery.**

every shirt (or other merchandise) sold helps the cause.
you have no idea how happy it makes me to see those shirts everywhere i go.
i just hope that the meaning isnt lost.
you see your favorite band promoting the cause, and you think *hey, they wear that shirt, i will too.* doesnt matter what the meaning behind it is, you just wear it. im glad that you do, because it helps TWLOHA. i just dont want the true meaning of why those bands wear the shirts to be lost. :)
remember, rescue is possible and love is the movement.

**- source-

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

i've realized

im giving up.
giving up on the perfect reality ive dreamed of for so long.
giving up on being the perfect person so many want me to be.
giving up on any hope that my dad will ever change his ways.
giving up on acting happy all the time.

my life is just so fucking screwed up, and i dont know how to fix it.
i dont like this.
i dont know what to do.
i can talk to my dad again, i should be happy.
but im not. all i can think about are the what if's.
and what those what if's could lead to.
why the hell cant things go as planned for once.
he was supposed to change.
he was supposed to be different.
he doesnt care.
he doesnt give a shit about how i feel.
all i want out of life is for him to change.
i know he wont. so why do i do this.
i dont know.

fuck it.
im done.
im done caring.
kill yourself. fine by me. just dont expect me to stand here and watch you do it.
im not strong enough for that.
i love you, but i quit.
i cant do this anymore.

sorry to those who dont know what this is about.
i just had to get all of that off of my mind.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

The Last Night

"The Last Night"

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie.


This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie.


The last night away from me


The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on


I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.

The last night away from me,
Away from me.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Thats What you Get--Paramore

No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, so take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt, so much?
I can't decide.
You have made it harder just to go on.
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
Hey, make your way to me, to me.
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,This heart will start a riot in me,Let's start, start, hey!
Why do we lie to her so much?
Oh why do we lie to her so much?
That's what you get when you let your heart win!Whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
Now I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

Monday, August 20, 2007

MY Allie.

Allie Pence: oh my. how to describe Allie.
hmmm. shes nuts. and she knows it. seriously though, shes one of the most
complex people i know. which is good. life is never boring with her around.

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

see...she has many different *faces* its great. i love her more than apple pie.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

So, I'm a senior now...

Senior Year.
it's finally here.
i really have no interesting stories about today. urm... Grogg's class. i was totally dreading it. i didnt know anyone that had it the same period i did. i was waiting outside, and then mandi walks up! i was so excited. i can stand that class now.
i dont know anyone in government.
mr. tippey got in a fight with a tablesaw, and lost. he got 3 fingers practially sliced off, they were reattatched. he went into great detail about what happened. i wont make you want to puke the way i did. it was nasty.
my AP bio book is very large in size. i dont like it. 1231 pages plus reference pages. yuck.
allie made funny faces at the kids in her tucker class today. i found that quite funnny. i get to go out to lunch this year. its exciting.

there. im done.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

la dee da..i cant sleep..sooo...

i was having a conversation a few days ago, with a friend of mine. we basically psychoanalized each other..i have no idea why..but we did. the things he said made me happy. but at the same time it made me think about how small little things can make a person feel really good about themselves. so. im going to provide a few people with an ego boost! woo.

note..if i dont list you first, it does not mean that i love you less than the ones that are before you, it just means that their face popped in my head first.

Allie-- you may be the CRAZIEST person i have EVER met in my entire life, but thats why i love you. you keep life interesting. i know we wanted each other dead during camp week, but i do love you, and you are amazing.

Samantha-- what to say about you.. you have been my friend for 7 or 8 years now. we've been through everything. the good, the bad, and the horrible. you know everything about me. you are the greatest friend that anyone could ever ask for. you are my family. you can always come to me. (you know this) dispite the fact that you dont think very highly of yourself, i admire you SO much. youve been through things that i cant even begin to imagine. you did it. you got through it. and for that, i admire you. i love you more than i love myself.

Bethany-- bethany are a fun turtle. ahaha. im really glad i met you. since ive known you i realized that being a total dork is ok. (even when its on camera) haha. you have an amazing talent. your photography is great..dispite what you think. haha. i love you. and btw...No Strings Attatched will ALWAYS be our song. haha

Steph-- you are the COOLEST person ever. i love you. we have a lot in common. im still jealous that youve seen Wicked and i havent. but..thats ok. i love you still. you are a dork. but thats what makes you so amazing. (i feel ive said this before..haha.) i love you steph!

Stacey-- you are the one person responsible for the 6 flogging molly shirts that i happen to own. you are responsible for my obsession. and for that. i thank you. haha. seriously are much more than that to me. you are my best friend. you get me. you dont complain when i vent to you. we always have fun together. and even though you kick my butt evertime we play air hockey, i still love you. (and im better at darts..hahaha) you are a genius. and you know it. i pray to god we are lab partners in AP!!

Shelby-- one word. ENGLISH. holy wow. great class. (1st semester anyways haha) im amazed that we got ANY work done in there. you are soooo funny. i love you. your amazing. oh..and cows are amazing. hahahahahaha.

Jocelyn-- you are a dork. plain and simple. im really sad at the fact that you moved to indy. but its for whats best for i will get over it. youve always been a great friend to me. and i miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss you. (haha =])

Kayla B.-- you are QTASTIC. i love your face. haha. you are amazing. partying at walmart was the greatest! im going to miss GRP (woah..i just said way...). we'd better have AP Bio together!!!

Angela-- partying at the WU with you was amazing. you are sooo much fun. you always know what to say to someone to make them feel better! i love you ang!

Jessica C.-- youve been my friend for a while. when i moved from milford, you made it hard. the worst part of my move was leaving you behind. i may have never told you this..but...i love you jess! you were always sooooo cool! hopefully we can hang out again soon!!

Kayla A.-- you. wow. we were tight. you got me a giant duck. just like i asked. you are amazing. im so sorry that weve grown apart since i moved. it makes me sad. because you were great. you still are..i miss you so much!

Mandi-- french would have sucked COMPLETELY if it werent for you. you make my life fun. woo hoo!

Cammy-- ive never met you. yet i feel like ive known you forever. dont ask me why. we just seem incredibly similar. i will meet you one day. it will be fun. thats all there is to it. and you like flyleaf, so, you are amazing. haha

James-- dude, i love you. your so awesome. i dont even know what makes you that way, you just are. haha. i really dont know what else to say besides that. your mismatched outfit is great! =]

Bobby-Jack-- you are the master of the little known bits of useless information. and its those bits of info that always seem to make me laugh...shooting down your ego is fun for me. (its all out of love, and you know it..) you are odd. but i love you anyways!

Daniel-- im glad im friends with you. its been quite the rollercoaster for us. (good, bad, hell, akward, and back to good) we seem to understand each other pretty well. i like that. we have conversations with actual meaning. youre pretty strange, but i love you all the same!

Luke-- i barely know you. but thats ok. you are still a pretty cool guy. youre hilarious. (case and point, the saftey i shall see you at the WU! i love you buddy!

Sean-- your my brother. i feel i should include you in this. you sleep in a closet. haha..sorry..i still find that hilarious...anyways. your my brother. i love you. you annoy the hell out of me. but you were always there to stop bad things from happening to me. so that makes you pretty cool.

ok..i saved this as a editing it scared. we blogged the same kinda thing.........eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek. haha

Friday, July 20, 2007

my mom is the COOLEST!

yesterday. it was sooooooooooo awesome. sean came up for dinner with our grandparents. it was ok. we took him home yesterday. he lives in kokomo...
anyways. mom noticed that seans shoe was falling apart. so she was going to buy him new chucks. we were walking to journeys, we passed the hot topic. mom asks if i want to go in, i say no, i wanted yarn, i knew that id end up buying a band shirt if i went in, so i resisted. we bought sean shoes. we were walking to the car. we got to hot topic again. mom walks in. sean and i follow. we walk over to the wall o tshirts. mom says what one do you like (i point out the flogging molly shirt that i DONT own.) she says get it. I WAS SHOCKED. happy. but shocked. so mom bought me a flogging molly shirt. after we left the mall mom wanted to go eat before she went and bought sean groceries. we were driving. and it hit me. i yell. MOM, PANERA!!! EAT AT PANERA. she says. ok. and goes to it. KABAM! i win...twice...we eat at panera...someone..tell me..could this day get ANY dont think so...we went and bought sean groceries at the walmart that he happens to work at. ahaha. then we took sean back to his house. he sleeps in a closet btw...yeah. you read right...closet. its a nice closet...but now i get to make jokes like.....ahaha sean came out of the closet. ahahaha. yay. then mom and i went home. arjay took me to get yarn. (for my arm warmers) green, pink, electric blue, and black (3).

great day.
thought id share

i heart my mom. shes cool.

Thursday, July 19, 2007


Epworth Forest.

great place. ahaha.

our group stayed in red wing.

baaaaaad plumbing in that place. real bad!



what to say about camp... hmm..

i know. i will break it down by days. ahaha im a genius..


we got there at around 5ish..

we unloaded and unpacked. red wing looked ok. really old decor, but nice..

evening service was amazing

HOT..but amazing.

we heard Abandon..worship band..and Kerry O'Brien..speaker.

that night we had prayer and share (the whole group sits in a circle and we talk.)

Mike just talked about how camp was going to be, and then the best part,

PRANKS. he had everyone say if they were in or out. if you were in, you could participate in pranks, that means you could prank, be pranked, or watch pranks happen. if you were out, however, you couldnt even watch one, but you couldnt be pranked at all.

everyone was in.



woke up suuuuuuper early (5:15am) with bethany. we wanted to get showers before everyone else.

bethany and i just chilled until 9.

breakfast happened.

then we left for morning assembly (service)

after that. was PSG's (Peer Small Groups)

that was a fun experience.

my PSG leader was named Carl. he was a cool dude.

he was like 70, but he was, by far, the COOLEST 70 year old ive ever met. haha.

after PSG's we went back to the cabin to eat lunch.

evans mom brought *walking tacos*.

after lunch was activities.

i went kayaking with sam. she tipped us. grr. haha

prayer and share. ewwww.

it was suuuuper emotional.

we were talking about the things in life that were bothering us.


all i could think about was my dad.

not gonna go into that right now...but....ahhhhhhh. it was bad. i cried. i hate crying.


i decided to screw waking up early. i got up at 8:50 (ten minutes til breakfast..haha)

morning assembly was fun. always was.

abandon is AMAZING. allie, bethany, and i would always run up and get to the front, so we could mosh. haha moshing at church camp. great stuff....

ahaha now for the interesting thing..

that nite was the first *official prank*

it was completely unintentional.

SOMEONE in the girls side, plugged up a toilet....

lacey went to plunge it.

ten minutes afterwards..

mike discovers a cascading waterfall of poo water coming down the walls of the counselor bathroom (directly below the girls bathroom)


that nite....the guys came over, threw stink bombs in our side of the cabin. ewww.

then there was an all out waterballoon fight..



um....biggest thing that happened that day was...the guys took all of the girls mattresses...haha. good one...really. i was proud...

I WENT TUBING...hahahaha funny experience

communion nite....

it was nice. no tears. which was good.

after service, kerry concecrated the elements of communion...

then everyone was given a little candle....

we all walked back to our cabin...

we did communion as a cabin. it was nice.

prayer and did it...i think..idk...


bethany and i wanted to get the guys back.

right before we left for afternoon service we went up to the guys bathroom and turned off all the water to their sinks...and one toilet. the other toilet we messed with..... we took a pen, pulled out the ink, so its an empty tube...connect it to the tube in the tank of the toilet....balance the pen tube on the edge of the tank. put the lid back on. they flush it. KABAM. they get sprayed with water...tada...

commitment nite..

we looked perdy....

it was a giant altar call basically. it was a bit emotional. i cried a little.

HOTSEAT..prayer and share..

hotseat is where one person sits in the center of the circle, and people say nice things about you.

we got through 7 people in two hours....there were 33 of us..

we went to sleep...


urm...sam, allie, and i spent like 2 hours at shaky ground. we talked how it sucks...and how its ok...

after evening service, we took a mile long hike in the woods...

along the way...the drama team (amazing) had their own little skits to do.....

1st one--one nite stand...

2nd one-- anorexic w/bulemic tendancies

3rd one-- guy stuggling with alcohol *cries*

4th one-- cutter

it was a big trigger for some (including myself...but shhhhhhhh)

i didnt like it all that much..

but i was proud of myself for making a mile long hike in the woods.

it was a bit emotional too.

hotseat was continuted tonite...

my turn.

i was surprised.

some people said things about me, i wasnt expecting them to. thanks!

learned something about jason.

he wants go into youth ministry.


jason is fun

he'd make a good youth pastor.



we woke up super early to clean.

check out was at 8:45.

we got checked out.

we left.

ta da. that was camp.

in a nutshell.


i forgot.

dance parties.


after lunch.

awesome times.


ok im done


blah blah blah.

um. hi.
for starters, im not good at the blog thingys.
i know you're just supposed to write about whats on your mind, but...
i cant ever find the words. going to try my best.

i pay attention to grammar in english class.
thats it.
my punctuation will be wrong
things that SHOULD be capitalized, probably wont be.
things WILL be misspelled.
dont correct me.
i KNOW that they are wrong.
i may like it that way.
deal with it.
if you have OCD about it.
im sorry.
i may sound bitchy. but really. im not.
i promise.