lock-in drama.

heres the deal with all that.
people got pissed that the room that sam was sleeping in got air horned.
tori did it, he pinned it on allie.
allie did nothing.
sam is fine.
people need to let that shit go.

ive lost friends over this. and that doesnt bother me.
apparently allie has changed me, and not in good ways.
bullshit. its true, allie can be a bit...socially awkward, but ya know what, thats why i love her.
shes not afraid to be different. shes comfortable in her own skin, which is more than i can say for a lot of people.

so yes, allie probably has changed me, but, my personality is no different than it was a year ago.
i wont take my *friends* bashing her the way they have anymore. this goes out to zoe, bethany, mariah, hannah, and jocelyn:
you dont like allie. fine.
but, choose your audience, im her best friend, nothing you say or do is going to change that. so you can stop calling her a prissy snob, because shes not, and your opinion no longer matters to me. screw you. my loyalties lie with her, they always will. i will jump to her defense any time i feel i need to.

dont get me wrong, if i feel allie has screwed up, i'll be the first to tell her shes wrong, and she knows that.

in this case, i dont believe she was wrong. she wasnt the one that pulled the trigger on that air horn, tori was. be mad at him, not allie.
i realize that zoe, mariah, hannah, bethany or jocelyn probably wont read this, but i need to say that.

as for those of you that insisted on creating this drama for yourselves, i suggest that you dont attend another lock-in. pranks happen, you cant stop them. people get woken up, they fall back asleep. if youre going to carry it on forever and not let it go, its best that you dont go to lock-ins. i dont want people like you there anymore. youre a bunch of babies in my opinion. this is really childish, and you know it. dont come to another one, if you do, dont talk to me. im not dealing with your drama anymore.
and this goes out to sam: im sorry for the situation that you found yourself in. tori shouldnt have done what he did, and im very sorry.

john shrout:
ive got words for you. for you to say what you did about bobby in front of the three people that care the most about him in this world was wrong, and you know it. i have far more respect for him than i ever will have for you, you did what you did solely to tear him down. your an asshole. true, i did say stuff about kirsti, i said she was shady and that i didnt trust her. in my mind, thats not insulting. you called my best friend *extremely low class* someone who didnt deserve brandie, youre wrong. how dare you say that about bobby-jack. and as far as what you told steven, what business did you have saying that to him, true, he needed to know...but you didnt say what you did to inform him of the situation, you did it to hurt him. you did it because youre an ass. youre a loser who takes pleasure in the agony of others, and you can rot in hell for all i care.

mariah haley:
you need to learn how to keep your mouth shut. you went and told bobby everything that happened friday night. you ruined everything. you made things a lot worse for us, we had every intention of telling him the things we said, we had a good way of going about it, and because of you i was forced to explain everything i said via IM, the most trashy way of going about it. im done with you because of this, you couldve cost me one of the most valuable friendships i have, and i really dislike you because of it. mind your own damn business.



now that im done calling out others, im going to own up to something that has been tearing at me ever since i left the lock-in.

bobby-jack, even though you say ive been forgiven for the things i said, i still feel horrible. im happy youve forgiven me, but whats getting to me is ive done something i swore i'd never do. i talked about my friend behind their back, and i hate myself for it. i was wrong, it all came out in the wrong way, we've talked about this already so im not going to dwell on it much longer i just need you to know that i'm very sorry.

allie, steven and willis: thank you for keeping the night sane for me, i almost lost it there for a bit. you guys rock.

ok. im done with the lock-in. everything is let go. im done.

**NOTE ABOUT
SHOUT OUTS**
while i still agree with most of the things i said in them, some things were said only out of anger. john, i still disagree with your opinion regarding bobbyjack, its your opinion and youre entitled to it. im sorry for the things i said about you.
mariah, i still firmly believe that you needed to mind your own business with the whole bobbyjack issue. it was wrong. but there are no hard feelings about it anymore.
i guess the point of this is, when i get mad, im mad for about a week, and then im over it. i feel like a total ass for doing this, ive lost friendships because of it, and i hate that.
this is my apology to everyone involved, but mostly...its an apology to john. i was a bitch, and i know it. im sorry.

photo post.

i'm going to do a photo post now.

the photos in this post arent directed towards any certain occasion, im just bored so im doing something to make it go away.
enjoy.
me. on christmas. yay for rainbow yarn.


paramore kicks major bootay!

Olivia<3 i babysit her.
i love her lots.


these two are amazing. yep yep yep. i heart them.

tubing! woo!

i'll add more later, im sure.
>>dani

MADD

MADD

most know it as *Mothers Against Drunk Driving*
but no.

i bring a new meaning to that acronym.
Musical Attention Deficit Disorder.

many people in this world suffer from MADD.
most need help to stop.

this is Bobby-Jack's story.

*amazing intervention theme music*

my dear friend, hes got a problem you see..
he is constantly changing the song on his profile.
at first i thought he just couldnt decide on a song.
but then it got to the point where its all he would do.
all day, he would tell me to check out his new song.

it became an unhealthy obsession.

i decided an intervention was necessary.

but, they wont take me seriously, so...


his urge to give into the MADD has subsided for now, but who knows..
that monster could show its ugly face at any moment.

symptoms of MADD
>>a constant change of song whether it be on ones myspace or just when they are listening to music.
>>an unsatisfiable need for new music.
>> and something else, if you think its weird, and its related to music..its probably a symptom. =P

remember, MADD is usually brought about by boredom. AVOID BOREDOM AT ALL COSTS!


Bobby-Jack has been MADD free since about 4:00 this afternoon.

10 things you dont know about me.

1. despite what i say, i let what others think of me get to me.

2. i am very insecure.

3. i have lots of OCD tendencies. you may think you know all of them, but i assure you, you dont.

4. i hate the crip. and i hate all nicknames associated with it.

5. i carry guilt for something that i let ruin someones life. dont ask. i wont tell.

6. i am very critical of myself

7. i am willing to die for almost everyone i know. not kidding.

8. i hold grudges.

9. i hide a lot of myself from others because i am deathly afraid of what they'll think.

10. i screen all of my phone calls, and if im having a bad day, i talk to no one.

may i have your attention please..

so its new years eve, and i want to say this:

its time for us to let go of all the shit we've been through this year. remember only the good things that happened. no more dwelling over things we can't fix. no more wondering about the what if's of days gone by.

ok. now that thats done...

2007 was a year i will never forget, for both good things and bad. i've had some pretty amazing times, and i've had to deal with things i wouldn't wish on anyone, but you know what, i got through it. (with the help of others of course).

speaking of which, now comes time for the shout outs.

Allie-- greatest friend ever. we've hung out a lot this year. its been really fun. hanging out with you is always interesting, to say the least. i know you've always got my back. i love you best friend =P

Samantha-- even though i know you'll probably never read this, i have to say somethings about you. we've kind of drifted this year, due to our lack of conversation. but you know what, that doesn't matter, you're still my best friend, my family. you've had your fair share of regrets this year, and you know that no matter what you do in life, i will always be here to catch you when you fall. i love you more than myself sam. you're the greatest!

Bobby-Jack-- you are quite possibly one of the only guys i completely trust in this world. take pride in that. (but not too much... =P) you and i didn't really start talking until this year, and i'm glad for that. you've helped me through a lot, and i dont think you know how much i truly appreciate it. you're a great person, and an even better friend.

Bethany-- without you, i'd be one photoless individual. we always have fun together, case and point, soaping the fountain. good times, good times. i love you, you're amazing!

MY ENTIRE FAMILY-- you guys are my backbone. without you i would fall apart. you keep me in line with what i need to do with my life, and for that i thank you. i love you guys more than you could ever know!

and this goes out to anyone not listed, youre amazing! my life wouldnt be the same without you.

now comes the time for me to say something cheesy in reference to the new year, but know what, no. im not going to.

i will say this though, 2008 better kick ass!
i love you all! <3

ps. im blasting this around for her. anyone that knows carrie, she just called and told me she got her acceptance letter from IPFW. yay carrie!

so this morning was interesting.
it was announced last night that there would be a two hour delay today.
so, i was sleeping in.
at about 6 ish, i was drifting in and out of sleep.
the phone rings. i ignore it.
6:30 the phone rings again. this call also gets ignored.
turns out the first call was from bobby-jack.
he was under the impression that the delay had been canceled.
so he calls allie, who also calls me (the second call).
they were wrong. well, bobby-jack was wrong.
its ok though.
hes a brave soul. calling my house that early. i wouldve shot him if i'd been woken up.

seriously though. it was nice of him to try and inform me.
if the delay had been canceled, i wouldve been late for school.

they canceled school today.
its nice.
my chem ap test and organic chem test have been moved.

last night.
it was odd for me.
i had been in this bad/awkward mood all day long.
it inspired a blog of apologies.
it didnt make sense to me why i had done it.

let me say this. my friends are amazing.
they helped me a lot.

i love you guys.


--dani

oo. im going to the mall with carrie in a few! wee! ily!

Dishwalla

Once in a While--Dishwalla

[chorus]

When you close your eyes do you like what you see
Inside your mind?
Do you like to dream about the stars above
Once in a while

Don't go to the other side for nothing at all
Better make it worth your while
Gonna break down that wall, gonna take the fall
Don't go to the other side
You might mess up that hair
Just wait you might change your mind
To think that people really care about your hair anyway

[chorus]

Don't go to the other side
Just get down on your knees
Show me what you are made of
I'm begging you please, just please go away
Don't go to the other side

[chorus]

people may interpret this differently.
this song speaks to me.
it makes me feel a bit better.


read it.
listen to it.
relate to it.

--dani

Apology.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for anything that I've done thats pissed you off.
I'm sorry for not being everything you've wanted me to be.
I'm sorry i cant live up to the expectations everyone has of me.
I'm sorry for being less than a friend to most of you.
I'm sorry for panicking about the things that shouldn't be panicked over.
I'm sorry for pretending that the things you say don't bother me.
I'm sorry for my inability to change you.
I'm sorry for trying.
I'm sorry for failing.
I'm sorry for acting.
I'm sorry for not showing you the real me.
I'm sorry for hiding.
I'm sorry for my overbearingness.
I'm sorry for the stupid things i do.
I'm sorry for not being able to save you.
I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me.
I'm sorry for being selfish.
I'm sorry for being annoying.
I'm sorry for this long list of apologies.

To put it simply, I'm sorry for everything.
I know anyone that reads this can relate to one of the things above.
I don't know the motive behind all this.
I woke up this morning in a less than amazing mood.
I just feel so guilty about so much. So many of those things I cannot change.
It's those things that I want to change the most.
I've become something that I never wanted to be. most of you wont know what that means, but it's true.
I feel like a hypocrite.
feel like I say one thing, and then do another.
I don't know whats wrong with me right now, I really don't.
writing about it isn't helping either.

to anyone that reads this: chances are, you mean a lot to me.
i thank you for everything that you've done for me.
i love you.

thinking

heres everything thats going through my mind...and then some...

>>my less than amazing grades. =[


they suck. plain and simple. F in ap chem. D in ap bio. what the hell am i gonna do? if i bring those grades home, i'll get shot. not to mention that i KNOW that arjay will walk around saying that ive turned into sean. that'll go on for about a month. seriously. i am trying so damn hard, its not getting any better, but i dont want to drop the classes. i cant. i'd never hear the end of it. not just from my parents, but from jo, kayla, stacey, and gabby. i mean, maybe not gabby, but the rest of them would never let it go. im already the *dumb one* in the group, that would make it worse. im conflicted.


>>samantha

for those of you who dont know her, she is my other half. well, my other other half. allie is too. but, sam and i have been through it all. i die without her. i miss her like crazy. she lives in northern michigan. i havent seen her in close to 4 years. shes changed. a lot. and not in positive ways either. we always used to say that smoking, drinking, drugs and all that other shit was pointless, which, i still firmly believe. her on the other hand, she doesnt think like that anymore. its almost like its what her life revolves around. we hardly talk anymore, and when we do shes telling me about how she ended her latest relationship and how she plans to drop out of school. im losing her. and im losing her fast. i cant handle that. i love her far too much. i want to help her so badly. but i cant. i know i cant. ugh.

>>dad

this is actually a positive thought in my mind. im proud of him. im honestly PROUD of my father. i dont believe hes been seriously drunk in a while. by a while i mean, not that ive heard of/noticed. i understand that he may just be sober when i speak to him, but you know what, ignorance is bliss in this case. im happy. im leaving it at that.

>>college

im excited and terrified at the same time. getting out of here will be the greatest day of my life. i feel like im actually making something out of my life. =] on the other hand, i feel like ive waited too long to take the tests. im scheduled to take the ACT on the 8th. if i bomb, i dont have time to redo tests. i'd be fucked. im just praying that i dont have to deal with that.

>>allie

i feel you need a mentioning. you make me giggle. its the highlight to some of my days.

>>sean

i missed him last night, he came over after work last night. i was gone. it made me kinda sad. that bitch has my borat movie. and his phone is shut off so i cant call to harass him about it!

well. i think im done.
i love you all.
--dani

To Write Love On Her Arms

WHAT IS TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS?

TWLOHA is a nonprofit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those suffering from depression, addictions, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also invest directly into treatment and recovery.**

every shirt (or other merchandise) sold helps the cause.
you have no idea how happy it makes me to see those shirts everywhere i go.
i just hope that the meaning isnt lost.
you see your favorite band promoting the cause, and you think *hey, they wear that shirt, i will too.* doesnt matter what the meaning behind it is, you just wear it. im glad that you do, because it helps TWLOHA. i just dont want the true meaning of why those bands wear the shirts to be lost. :)
remember, rescue is possible and love is the movement.

--dani
**- source- www.twloha.com

i've realized

im giving up.
giving up on the perfect reality ive dreamed of for so long.
giving up on being the perfect person so many want me to be.
giving up on any hope that my dad will ever change his ways.
giving up on acting happy all the time.

my life is just so fucking screwed up, and i dont know how to fix it.
i dont like this.
i dont know what to do.
i can talk to my dad again, i should be happy.
but im not. all i can think about are the what if's.
and what those what if's could lead to.
damnit.
why the hell cant things go as planned for once.
he was supposed to change.
he was supposed to be different.
he doesnt care.
he doesnt give a shit about how i feel.
all i want out of life is for him to change.
i know he wont. so why do i do this.
i dont know.

fuck it.
im done.
im done caring.
kill yourself. fine by me. just dont expect me to stand here and watch you do it.
im not strong enough for that.
i love you, but i quit.
i cant do this anymore.


sorry to those who dont know what this is about.
i just had to get all of that off of my mind.

The Last Night

"The Last Night"

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie.

[Chorus]

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie.

[Chorus]


The last night away from me

[Bridge]


The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on
Tonight,
Tonight.

[Chorus]

I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.

The last night away from me,
Away from me.