new found perspective.

i am done being passive. done. absolutely done.

i'm tired of people coming at me from an unfair angle and controlling the outcomes of situations.
i'm tired of apologizing for things i'm not sorry about.
i'm tired of being a pushover.

it stops now.
i just went off on the one person who complicates my life more than anything in the world, and it felt wonderful. i'm almost sorry i was so harsh, but at the same time, i spoke my mind. i said exactly what i thought. and i felt so much better. the fact that i may have just ruined that friendship, which was about four years in the making kinda sucks, but i spoke my mind. i felt better.

i'm going do that from now on. i'm going to let it all hang out. you dont like it, then tough cookies.
deal with it.

i am having bad day.

i woke up this morning feeling like something bad was going to happen.
nothing bad happened, but i've been in a shit-tastic mood all day.
life just needs to knock it the hell off.

ps. i need a vacation.
and a date would be nice too.
i want someone to make me feel special. kaythanksbye.

"but i never said i would, i guess i'm gonna miss my chance again.."

[if it kills me. jason mraz.]

man.. life needs to slow down. i mean, really.

just a run down of my life at the present time:

1. i hate finite. its stupid. its not HARD, but its overly time consuming. i did not do well on my first exam, so i have to bust my ass the rest of the semester. helloooo office hours! having a friend in there is helping though, so i'll be okay. hopefully.

2. work. what to say about work. i really dont HATE it, but lets look at what it's doing to me.
a) i work EVERY friday and saturday, without fail. this is unfortunate for several reasons. i cant do anything on friday nights, and i dont want to do anything saturday nights because i'm friggin exhausted. major cut into the social life. also, this leaves me with sunday to do homework. thats fine and all, but i feel super stressed on sundays because of it.
b) people at work, while nice, dont talk. not really. we pretty much just stand there in silence. this is entirely different from back home. going to work was fun. i didnt mind it at all. people talked. we didnt ignore one another. it was nice.
overall, work is okay. i mean, i did this schedule to myself. next semester, i'm going to try and have only M/W or T/R classes. those days will be busy, but then i can work during the week and have some weekend days off. that'll be good for me.

3. family. while i find it inappropriate to post whats going on with this group on a blog, just know that some stuff is going on, and its stressing me out. really stressing me out.

4. to my roommate: upon recent discovery, you think i'm avoiding you. this could not be further from the truth. if i were avoiding you, i would not do it passively, as you claim. i'd make it blatantly obvious, i assure you. i've been busy with school, and with life drama. let me take this time to explain to you why you have not seen me this past week.
--M/W: you go in at 7. i have gone in with you these past few weeks, and will probably do so again. however, these past two weeks, i've been up til the wee hours of the morning doing homework and destressing, so i sleep in. thats all that is.
--T/R: these past two weeks i've gone into campus early to work on finite homework with kylee. its a time that works for her [it happens to be 8 am, which is sort of unfortunate], and so i go in because we work well together. we understand things that the other doesnt, its beneficial.
--as for the evenings, i've been going over to chelsea's, for a variety of reasons. last night it was to help her out with a poetry paper, the other nights its been to just hang out.

now.. i'll discuss this with you personally as well, but know that the conversation we had last week has not really left my mind. that just adds weird tension. i'm not upset with you, at all. i'll talk to you this afternoon about it.


anywayyyy.. back to my life.

the good stuff.

mom is coming to visit next sunday. :D
pretty excited.

im going to WI for spring break. why do i choose snow and cold over florida and warm? because i'm dumb. thats why. also because its going to be the best week ever!!!! :D

hanging out with chelsea and her muffin is probably one of the better times in my life. you kids are cool. just sayin.

i'm going to take a nap when i get home. who's excited? i'm excited.

theres a thin line between between a wild time and flatline baby tonight..

[if i had you. adam lambert.]

I am the worlds biggest copy cat. i saw my beef's most recent post and i have decided to follow suit, sorta. we're going the opposite direction. i am going to tell certain people why i love them. mixed with one that i do not like.

to my silly haired best friend: it is only fitting that you are at the top of my list. you are my wifey, after all. you are quite possibly my favorite person ever. even though we are presently long distance beefs, i know you will always pick up the phone when i call you even though you know i'm probably calling to bitch about something or another. you da bestest. fuck those bitches who make your life hell. i love you. them other bitches matter not. :D

to my favorite red head: i pretty much live with you. you and me, we're the best pair of people this world has ever seen. thank you for allowing me to spend every ounce of my free time in your presence. you are quite fun. i love you.

to starbucks: even though i spend too much money at your various establishments, i love you. thank you for giving me my coffee fix on the daily. but today, you suck a little. its fuckin freezing in here. turn the air off. damn.

to my study buddy: you make finite much easier. and you make me laugh. we're friends and its cool. :D

to my teen mom and hot fudge milkshake companion: i miss you. we have not gotten together in some time. stop being so academically responsible and hang out with me once and a while. geesh. :D

to my itunes: thank you for know exactly what song to play 99% of the time.

to my mom: i am pretty excited that you are coming to visit next weekend. yaaay shopping!!

to my new friend: even though you are the worst texter backer ever, youre still a pretty cool guy. sorry if i annoy you. youre new. its what i do to new people. sorry. :p

okay..
now for the thing that is irritating me.

fridays and saturdays, where have you gone? oh. thats right. i spend my weekends at work. this is stupid. i hate my job. i really really do. i like the people i work with, minus one. hes a douche a lot of the time. and that just makes my life really unpleasant. dear work, stop being lame. thanks.

"Life is what happens when you're busy makin' your excuses"

[when i'm gone. simple plan.]

Talk about inconvenient timing. oof. :/

anyway. the post i am meaning to write is this:

ladies and gents, i give you the soundtrack of my life,

1. Amazing—Aerosmith

2. Ironic—Alanis Moriesette

3. Music of the Night—Andrew Lloyd Webber [Phantom of the Opera]

4. Freak Out—Avril Lavigne

5. Boys of Summer—The Ataris

6. Airplanes—B.oB ft. Hayley Williams

7. Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)—Backstreet Boys

8. It’s All Been Done—Barenaked Ladies

9. Angel in the Night—Basshunter

10. All I Ever Wanted—Basshunter

11. Yellow Submarine—The Beatles

12. Loser—Beck

13. She Talks to Angels—The Black Crowes

14. Hard to Handle—The Black Crowes

15. Violence—Blink-182

16. Easy Target—Blink-182

17. All the Small Things—Blink-182

18. Water—Brad Paisley

19. Glycerine—Bush

20. Aint No Rest for the Wicked—Cage the Elephant

21. Cowboy Casanova—Carrie Underwood

22. Evacuate the Dancefloor—Cascada

23. You’re Not in on the Joke—Cobra Starship

24. Guilty Pleasure—Cobra Starship

25. Prostitution is the World’s Oldest Profession—Cobra Starship

26. A Long December—Counting Crows

27. Redneck Yacht Club—Craig Morgan

28. Dreams—The Cranberries

29. Chainsaw—Daniel Merrieweather

30. Crash into Me—Dave Matthews Band

31. Roll to Me—Del Amitri

32. White Flag—Dido

33. Once in a While—Dishwalla

34. Save Tonight—Eagle Eyed Cherry

35. We Made You—Eminem

36. Love the Way You Lie—Eminem ft. Rihanna

37. When Autumn Blooms—The End Times Spasm Band

38. Tears in Heaven—Eric Clapton

39. Layla—Eric Clapton

40. Inside Out—Eve 6

41. Wonderful—Everclear

42. Swagger—Flogging Molly

43. If I Ever Leave This World Alive—Flogging Molly

44. Black Friday Rule—Flogging Molly

45. Drunken Lullabies—Flogging Molly

46. Cruel Mistress—Flogging Molly

47. The Likes of You Again—Flogging Molly

48. Follow You Down—The Gin Blossoms

49. Black Balloon—Goo Goo Dolls

50. Acoustic #3—Goo Goo Dolls [This is the song you said you could fall asleep to] :p

51. Last of the American Girls—Green Day

52. MmmBop—Hanson

53. Bubble Toes—Jack Johnson

54. Pray For You—Jaron and the Long Road to Love [This is funny, listen to it]

55. Ridin’ Solo—Jason Derulo

56. The Remedy—Jason Mraz

57. If it Kills Me—Jason Mraz

58. Karma—Jessica Andrews

59. She’s a Genius—Jet

60. The Middle—Jimmy Eat World

61. Half of My Heart—John Mayer

62. Daughters—John Mayer

63. Almost Honest—Josh Kelley

64. I Go Back—Kenny Chesney

65. Just Dance—Lady Gaga

66. Paper Gangsta—Lady Gaga

67. Summer Girls—LFO

68. Girl Like That—Matchbox 20

69. Bitch—Meredith Brooks

70. Save the Last Dance For Me—Michael Bublé

71. Turn Off the Lights—Lights Over Paris

72. Only Prettier—Miranda Lambert

73. Unnatural Selection--Muse

74. Smells Like Teen Spirit—Nirvana

75. Wonderwall—Oasis

76. Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)—The Offspring

77. Where the Lines Overlap—Paramore

78. Even Flow—Pearl Jam

79. Peaches—Presidents of the United States of America

80. Losing My Religion—R.E.M.

81. Dani California—Red Hot Chili Peppers [You had to know this was going on here]

82. Swing Life Away—Rise Against

83. Snowblind—Rob Thomas

84. Breakeven—The Script

85. All I Wanna Do—Sheryl Crow

86. All Star—Smashmouth

87. When I’m Gone—Simple Plan

88. Spice Up Your Life—The Spice Girls

89. Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong—Spin Doctors

90. What I got—Sublime

91. Fly—Sugar Ray

92. Fat Lip—Sum 41

93. Break Your Heart—Taio Cruz

94. How’s it Gonna Be—Third Eye Blind

95. Free Fallin’—Tom Petty [this is my favorite song, of all time, without a doubt]

96. Hey Soul Sister—Train

97. Horchata—Vampire Weekend

98. Diplomat’s Son—Vampire Weekend

99. Best I Ever Had—Vertical Horizon

100. Dig Dig Dig—The Vincent Black Shadow

101. Metro—The Vincent Black Shadow

102. One Headlight—The Wallflowers

103. Buddy Holly—Weezer

104. Starstrukk—3OH!3

This was done for two reasons. 1) as an answer to a question in the ongoing line of questioning between me and Jory. 2) to help the kid out, he told me he didn't listen to music much. this is simply not okay with me. So, not only did i ask him to do the same thing [create a playlist of songs that he thinks describes him], i gave him this list of songs that i love/say a little about me. :D

Good stuff? I think so.

"And when the world crowds your space Remember days when noise was silent"

[The Face. RyanDan]

Songs that make my life better at the present time:

If it Kills Me--Jason Mraz

Love the Way You Lie--Eminem & Rihanna

Change Your Mind--Sister Hazel

The Face--RyanDan

Horchata--Vampire Weekend

Free Fallin'--Tom Petty

Go make a playlist of these songs, watch what it does to your mood. :]

"It was after the tequila nasty."

[random quote of the night. yours truly.]

Tonight was really fun. I went to Walmart with Chelsea after class. We got stuff to make rice krispies treats and mini pizzas. We watched 27 Dresses [well, all but the end..]. Then we went to Jory's. Jory is a friend of Chelsea's. We met up with Bpell and went bowling. Now, this was quite fun. However, I am the worst bowler the world has ever seen. Oh Jory, such a trooper, he agreed to be my partner for a couple rounds, and let me tell you, I was the least bit helpful. :p We may have won one round though, I'm not really sure. :p

It's kind of sad though, I just met this kid tonight, and he's a pretty cool guy. He moves to Minn. on Saturday. So, it was a fun hang out. Chelsea and Bpell are fun to hang out with.

I had a good night. Now. Bed. Goodnight!

"She's a stupid bitch!"

[Sassy Gay Friend Web Series.]

I am so frustrated with myself at the present time. Here I am, sitting in the coffee shop at Borders, sippin' on my vanilla latte having a grand ole time. I get a call. It is a call from work. Work needs me to cover someone's shift. Now, this person called me on Friday asking me to cover part of her shift, and I agreed. But! I had one condition. She needed to let me know by Monday if I was working. I had plans I was trying to accommodate, and I needed to know. Today is Tuesday, just in case any of you were curious. Today is most certainly NOT Monday. And yet, Assistant Manager man calls me in. Now, why didn't I just decline? Well, I'm already on this man's shit list. I could use the hours. And I really don't want the person I'm covering for to get in trouble. She is presently at a funeral for a family member, and A.M Man made her make sure her shift was covered before he gave her the O.K to go. [Why this man thinks he has the power to give permission for such things is beyond me.. but whatever.] So. I am forced to break plans [my NUMBER ONE pet peeve in life] with a good friend of mine. I feel bad. Really bad. It's my own fault, entirely. Which just adds to this whole "self-hatred" thing I have goin' for myself. But that is neither here nor there.

C: I'm sorry I broke plans with you, darlin'. It will never happen again. I love you!
A: While I think the likelyhood of you actually seeing this post and reading it is EXTREMELY low, know that I am perfectly okay with covering for you. It is not a problem at all, I just wish I wouldn't have "double-booked" my time. That's all. :]
S: You are not my favorite. I want Melissa back.

some of you may be disappointed but..

I have one large regret in life.
out of everything I've ever done or said in my time, there is ONE thing I can honestly say that I regret.

I honestly do not think I should have folded when I did.
Just a thought I've been pondering.

What's in a mood?

Have you ever sat there and tried to piece together the reasons why you are feeling the way you are? Well. I just did that, and let me tell you, it was overwhelming. I don't know why, but I've been in some sort of emotional funk for like.. a month now.

One day I'm content and happy and the next I feel like punching babies. Today was an okay day, but I have suddenly been overcome with sadness, or something like sadness.

I can't really describe it except by saying I have that weird feeling in my throat followed by that even stranger feeling you get in your chest when you know something bad is gonna happen. Maybe I'm just being emotional because I'm a girl. [That's what girls do, right?] Who knows.

However, I do know that I cannot keep having mini-breakdowns every other day. I need to confront the issues I'm having with myself. I need to deal with whatever is bothering me.

Simple? No. I have no idea what is bothering me. Not really. Not enough to fix anyway. Perhaps it's just a phase, and I'll grow out of it? Hopefully, because this is getting a smidge ridiculous.

Sorry for being vague, I guess I have yet to deem my issues internet worthy. Thanks for reading, though. :]

"don't it make you sad that life is more than who we are?"

[name. goo goo dolls.]

Time for a legit post about life, guys.

rather than spend needless time updating you on things I know none of you care about, I'll just tell you my recent outlook on my life. [yes, I know, you probably don't care about that either. shush.]

I have spent the better part of the past month worrying. worrying about school. worrying about work. worrying about money. worrying about everything. let me tell you what. the time for worrying is over. I have to stop it. I'm going to give myself a coronary if I keep this up.

instead of worrying, I'm going to focus. weird concept for me, I know. but think about it. if I focus on the things I need to do, things will inevitably fall into place. I focus on school, I get good grades. I get good grades, I graduate. I graduate, I get a spectacular job. I focus on work [CVS] and it goes by faster. like today, for example, it was truck day. I was doing truck all day. lifting totes, emptying totes, lifting more totes, ect. I was productive. I focused on the job, and time flew by. I kid you not, I felt like I was there for 4 hours. I was there for 8.5.

so, I have a new plan. I am going to focus. I am going to give this semester my all. I will do well. I will do things in a timely manner and I will not procrastinate. I will use leechblock to the fullest of its ability. I will go to office hours. I will get help on my stupid finite. I will do well this semester.

I will also stop being so damn whiney all the time. there are things in my life that i don't like. the only person that can change them is me. there's no point in whining over it. if i don't like it. I should change it. I need to quit being a baby.

well. this turned into quite the nonsensical bit of blabber. I'm sorry for that. I'll go now. :]

i am whiney

i am having a bad day.
i hate my job.
bastards.

what do you do when..

you are faced with the crappiest of lose-lose situations?
no matter what i choose to do in this situation, someone gets hurt.
i dont like this.
someone tell me how to handle this.
thank you.